It's like I checked into REHAB and Baby You are My Disease

So I feel like my favorite drug is the men.... They all seem to know when i am about to kick the addiction and... they seep back into my life and my veins... I am a junkie and am like it's not healthy.

So the Rihanna song Rehab actually came on the radio after I just visited with D (my last real long term relationship) today.I will explain how he came back in my life in a bit.   He was the love of my life prior to going to grad school in Ohio. This blog will be atypical. I am going to infuse the Lyrics of Rehab into my blog. To go along with the story.

"Baby when we first met, I never felt something so strong you were like my lover and my Best friend, All wrapped into one. "- Rihanna

 I met him shortly before my mom passed away.  Our relationship was beautiful when we were together. At the time I didn't realize he was living a big lie with me.  Two and half years together and by accident I found out he was still married.  He told me when we got together he was divorced. OSCN.Net.... (but that is a whole story in itself).   I found out about his marriage 3 months before I left for Ohio.  I told him I knew and told him never to talk to me again.  And moved very heart broken to Ohio.

"And all the sudden when you left, I didn't know how to follow, It's like a shot. That spun me around and now my heart left I feel so empty and hallow-Rihanna


  On top of everything I went through in Ohio, part of my counseling experience was examining why I don't really have long term relationships anymore.  Part of the DISEASE was him.  My heart break had basically grown like a cancer in me.  I would come home (OKC) and think I saw him and have panic attacks at the thought of having to see him again.  I gave my WHOLE self to him for a long time.  Fought with him about things people fight about in relationships to stay together and make it work.  Just for it to all crash down.

"And I'll never give myself to another, the way I gave it to you.  Don't even recognize the way you hit me do you? Its gonna take a miracle to bring me back. And you're the one to blame."-Rihanna

In Ohio I collected men like they were shoes or something.  One in Chicago, one in Louisville, one in Houston, one in Dallas, a couple in Cincinnati, and two at home.  My counselor and I talked about these distance relationships that I had with men. Some of them simultaneously.  They all are good men .  All have it going on.  I would drive or fly to see them, talk on the phone with them.  Share everything but never enough to get close to my heart. They all knew that i carried a hurt some addressed it some have just ignored it because they are unsure what they wanted from our relationship.

" Damn ain't it crazy when your love slams? You will do anything for the one you love. 'Cause anytime you need me, I'd be there. It's like you were my favorite drug"- Rihanna

Many times in the past 4 years when I have come home to visit I have had "near sightings" of D.  Which like i said earlier have led to panic attack and "emergency" sessions with my counselor in Ohio.  We would talk about why I was having panic attacks at the thought of seeing or having to speak with D.  The answer was the problem and the cure. I never dealt with the pain of being the "other woman" and not knowing. I never got over what I thought our life would be.  WE never really discussed the "why" in the lie. I never admitted really that the LOVE of My life hurt me. ADDICTED TO LOVE... and going through bad DETOX OF COLD TURKEY.. Trying to find the closest FIX without Giving my Heart Away to anyone.  The high of the relationship without the hurt of TOTALLY giving my Heart.

So around March one of my good friends says she was hit on by D.  I try to blow it off. But she was like "I confronted him about it."  She said he seemed sad when she brought up my name.  She gave me his number and told me to call him.   I didn't because of the pain and the fear.   Months went by and he just happened to wonder past Ross as I was in my own world walking into the building. I heard my name, but didn't register who he was until I was in the store. I had a mini panic attack before my shift started and prayed he didn't come into the store (he didn't).  About 3 weeks later my fortune changed.  He came into the store on a very very slow day.  He started talking to me. I knew i was close to panic attack and told him to please talk to me later. He wrote his number down and left.  A few days later we had a convo on the phone.  Some of what I needed was answered.  He wanted us to talk and be friends.  I was hesitant but sometimes in addiction/ phobia you have to continue to FACE it so you become desensitized to the stimulus of the phobia or addiction.

"I gotta check into rehab. Baby your my disease.'-  Rihanna
So in about 2 months of "seeing him"  I have felt every emotion that i had during our two plus years.  I can see why I love(d) him, why I was so devestated.  At the same time the drug is in my system.  He knows it and I know it. What have I done.  I realize the things I want now are sooooo different from what I wanted then.  But he is still in my system.  I need to KICK HIM to be able to have a relationship with one of the others or be able to have a relationship with someone new.   The DETOX is painful but I have to go through the experience.  To know that most likely i would have arrived at the same thing if we didn't have the LIE in our relationship.  I most likely would have moved away and he and I would have grown apart. I realize that school changed me from the 22-25 year old he had dated.  Now that he is divorced he never wants to be married again, he has a child from some woman he met a year after me.  But he has no plans of marrying her. Emotions and love kind of either mature and develop a good taste like wine or they could end up like cheese  with strong smells and bitter tastes.  Our love seems to ended like cheese.  It is still around but needs to be thrown out.

"The problem is that you was using me. In a different way that I was using you. But now that I know, its not meant to be.  You Gotta Go, I gotta win myself over you." - Rihanna

I was using him to heal my heart. I needed closure from our LOVE.. this fix  i couldn't shake. Our relationship has haunted me like a felony for drug use/ selling.   When a good man has come into my life i fixate on the past drug.  I realized today listening to the Rihanna song he wants my Love again.  And i can't give it to him.  It is time to go it is time to leave. No more panick attacks. I have clarity.  I have forgiven him and myself.  It is time to go.  No more use.....

BABY you were my drug- I checked into rehab... YOU WERE MY DISEASE. - Ava