I need to stand on a Soap BOX

It seems like I am always negative... I guess I just write about the negative things. Tomorrow I will write about the positives in my life. LOL

I have sat here and picked my brain for a few weeks over something a friend is doing.  This thing is very humble and sincere. I believe on their part it is very innocent and giving.  But I am like man can I even tell them from a historical, cultural, educational  and maybe even religious point of view it is hurtful to read the things she  is doing. 

I think after living so many "isms" in the past few years I have become more open to realizing how many isms exhist in the world. Being brought up in a military environment it was hard to get into "isms" because we weren't alloud.   We grew up in a MELTING POT with a bubble of your dad mom or whoever would lose stripes, get kicked out, or you would be sent to live with someone else if you even acted in any kind of hateful or predjudicial way.  So after living in Ohio which has so many ISMS,  I started learning about other people's and my own isms.  For the longest time I think I lived a "ROSE-COLORED" life. Because of my upbringing and it never happened to me.  But seeing most ISMS in OHIO I have become sensitive when i read or hear Isms.  Then when it is heightened by "Priveledge"-  white, gender, sex, sexual orientation, ablism, class whatever... it gets under my skin.

So for weeks I get these messages and invites to help this cause.  And I am like I will just leave the group... which I know will lead to  the perosn asking  why I left. It is a discussion that I know my friend is not quite ready for.  And honestly I am not really open to having with her. Because how my feelings have been towards the matter.    I have this scholarly side that wants to just hand the person books/ articles and say why don't you read these and we have a discussion.  I have taken all these classes on education, history of women, of poverty, of psychological crisis, on religious psychology, on social justice.  Have read about so many ways to oppress and liberate.  And at the end of it I am like "Well if yout talk about these things how are you going to present it.   Then the Born Again  Christian in me is like "Is it my place to say something.? If this is what the person said they were called to do maybe God will give the information to them so they can see for themselves maybe the message I want to give to the person.  Plus who am i  to intervene in something that really is coming from a genuine heart"   As a friend, I am hurt. The language,tones, assumptions and ideologies of what is being said hurts me.  They are truely pages out of books in history. I am like "Did this person really say this... and are they really doing this?"  I don't want to continue getting messages . I don't want to be a part of this. I am refraining from really puting my TRUE Emotions of how much I DON"T want to be a part of this. 
So I am on this soap box because most like the blog is the only way it really is going to come out.  Ughhhhhhh!!!!!!!!  I hate that i get too imbedded in the "analytical side" of my friends and their going on.  I guess the stuff that I went through and that I was conditioned to be from 3-23 yrs old is so different from 24-29 in Ohio.  Now three weeks from 31 I still struggle of the isms.  I want to believe that if i told my friend the why she would understand... but my gut says she wouldnt :-(

It's like I checked into REHAB and Baby You are My Disease

So I feel like my favorite drug is the men.... They all seem to know when i am about to kick the addiction and... they seep back into my life and my veins... I am a junkie and am like it's not healthy.

So the Rihanna song Rehab actually came on the radio after I just visited with D (my last real long term relationship) today.I will explain how he came back in my life in a bit.   He was the love of my life prior to going to grad school in Ohio. This blog will be atypical. I am going to infuse the Lyrics of Rehab into my blog. To go along with the story.

"Baby when we first met, I never felt something so strong you were like my lover and my Best friend, All wrapped into one. "- Rihanna

 I met him shortly before my mom passed away.  Our relationship was beautiful when we were together. At the time I didn't realize he was living a big lie with me.  Two and half years together and by accident I found out he was still married.  He told me when we got together he was divorced. OSCN.Net.... (but that is a whole story in itself).   I found out about his marriage 3 months before I left for Ohio.  I told him I knew and told him never to talk to me again.  And moved very heart broken to Ohio.

"And all the sudden when you left, I didn't know how to follow, It's like a shot. That spun me around and now my heart left I feel so empty and hallow-Rihanna


  On top of everything I went through in Ohio, part of my counseling experience was examining why I don't really have long term relationships anymore.  Part of the DISEASE was him.  My heart break had basically grown like a cancer in me.  I would come home (OKC) and think I saw him and have panic attacks at the thought of having to see him again.  I gave my WHOLE self to him for a long time.  Fought with him about things people fight about in relationships to stay together and make it work.  Just for it to all crash down.

"And I'll never give myself to another, the way I gave it to you.  Don't even recognize the way you hit me do you? Its gonna take a miracle to bring me back. And you're the one to blame."-Rihanna

In Ohio I collected men like they were shoes or something.  One in Chicago, one in Louisville, one in Houston, one in Dallas, a couple in Cincinnati, and two at home.  My counselor and I talked about these distance relationships that I had with men. Some of them simultaneously.  They all are good men .  All have it going on.  I would drive or fly to see them, talk on the phone with them.  Share everything but never enough to get close to my heart. They all knew that i carried a hurt some addressed it some have just ignored it because they are unsure what they wanted from our relationship.

" Damn ain't it crazy when your love slams? You will do anything for the one you love. 'Cause anytime you need me, I'd be there. It's like you were my favorite drug"- Rihanna

Many times in the past 4 years when I have come home to visit I have had "near sightings" of D.  Which like i said earlier have led to panic attack and "emergency" sessions with my counselor in Ohio.  We would talk about why I was having panic attacks at the thought of seeing or having to speak with D.  The answer was the problem and the cure. I never dealt with the pain of being the "other woman" and not knowing. I never got over what I thought our life would be.  WE never really discussed the "why" in the lie. I never admitted really that the LOVE of My life hurt me. ADDICTED TO LOVE... and going through bad DETOX OF COLD TURKEY.. Trying to find the closest FIX without Giving my Heart Away to anyone.  The high of the relationship without the hurt of TOTALLY giving my Heart.

So around March one of my good friends says she was hit on by D.  I try to blow it off. But she was like "I confronted him about it."  She said he seemed sad when she brought up my name.  She gave me his number and told me to call him.   I didn't because of the pain and the fear.   Months went by and he just happened to wonder past Ross as I was in my own world walking into the building. I heard my name, but didn't register who he was until I was in the store. I had a mini panic attack before my shift started and prayed he didn't come into the store (he didn't).  About 3 weeks later my fortune changed.  He came into the store on a very very slow day.  He started talking to me. I knew i was close to panic attack and told him to please talk to me later. He wrote his number down and left.  A few days later we had a convo on the phone.  Some of what I needed was answered.  He wanted us to talk and be friends.  I was hesitant but sometimes in addiction/ phobia you have to continue to FACE it so you become desensitized to the stimulus of the phobia or addiction.

"I gotta check into rehab. Baby your my disease.'-  Rihanna
So in about 2 months of "seeing him"  I have felt every emotion that i had during our two plus years.  I can see why I love(d) him, why I was so devestated.  At the same time the drug is in my system.  He knows it and I know it. What have I done.  I realize the things I want now are sooooo different from what I wanted then.  But he is still in my system.  I need to KICK HIM to be able to have a relationship with one of the others or be able to have a relationship with someone new.   The DETOX is painful but I have to go through the experience.  To know that most likely i would have arrived at the same thing if we didn't have the LIE in our relationship.  I most likely would have moved away and he and I would have grown apart. I realize that school changed me from the 22-25 year old he had dated.  Now that he is divorced he never wants to be married again, he has a child from some woman he met a year after me.  But he has no plans of marrying her. Emotions and love kind of either mature and develop a good taste like wine or they could end up like cheese  with strong smells and bitter tastes.  Our love seems to ended like cheese.  It is still around but needs to be thrown out.

"The problem is that you was using me. In a different way that I was using you. But now that I know, its not meant to be.  You Gotta Go, I gotta win myself over you." - Rihanna

I was using him to heal my heart. I needed closure from our LOVE.. this fix  i couldn't shake. Our relationship has haunted me like a felony for drug use/ selling.   When a good man has come into my life i fixate on the past drug.  I realized today listening to the Rihanna song he wants my Love again.  And i can't give it to him.  It is time to go it is time to leave. No more panick attacks. I have clarity.  I have forgiven him and myself.  It is time to go.  No more use.....

BABY you were my drug- I checked into rehab... YOU WERE MY DISEASE. - Ava

The HODGE PODGE OF Random things

It has been a while since I have written a blog. A lot has happened.  Lately I feel tired all the time. I am still working two jobs.  The counseling job I had never panned out with my money.  So for those of you that did not know , I worked 2 full months trying to get children services just to learn the majority of them did not have insurance. OR their parents felt lied to by my previous boss, and when i would meet with them about the services, they were confused.  So needless to say I am not working for him anymore.  When he found out that another agency in the building offered me a job, he confronted me in the elevator and would not let me out.  My old boss and other coworkers basically did an IKE TURNER intimidation on me.  After this incident my new bosses  told me if i feel better they will walk me in and out of the building when i am there.  I am so glad to be away from this situation. My bank account is hurting because of the issue.  

Next, I still work at Ross. I didn't think almost a year later (come Late Novemeber) I would still be there.  There was a lot of work drama for no reason there.  I mean I make barely over minimum wage there. I should go somewhere and feel abused by people.  Managers are talking to me and other grown people liek they are children. They were giving all their manager responsibilites to other floor associates while they were hanging out doing nothing all day in the office.   The main reason the main manager had been sick or on leave all summer. The floor associates felt like they had no say. The assistant manager did not know because no one was speaking up.  One night I just had it. For some reason the computers/cash registers were on the fritz. I had issues with a return and called one of the managers over. She proceeded to reprimand me in a very demeaning way in front of the customer. She does this often not only to me but to others.  The customer took up for me because she was like she knew it was not my fault.   After the computer issue was resolved the manager yelled at me again in front of other co-workers for the same thing that had nothing to do with me.  Then at the end of the night when i was cleaning customer service she said "Ava look at me.. (like i was a child), you will not have another day like that in customer service again. You understand me."  I was so pissed... I didn't like her tone, i am mad she was talking to me worse than my parents ever did even when i was a kid.  And for something nobody had control over. This lady does this all the time.  I do not care how old you are, to get respect you give it. And she clearly does not give it to anyone.  That night made me finally put it down.

I went to the assistant store manager who is a really nice lady. I explained that right now I still have to work at  the department store , but the other night made me want to quit and go to Panda Express.  When i go there the people are nice and respectful, have better work ours, and it is obvious ALL their managers treat them with respect. (They make more money over there too.  I have spoken several time to their managers. My friend wanted to work there back in Spring time and they kept asking me to go over there too.)  Well the assistant manager was really shocked. She knew about some of the issues occurring because some of my other co-workers had their own break moments with favoritism and mistreatment.  Example: One lady has really whorey issues such as "i have a hickey on my neck" and she gets to hang out in the back office with managers while the others of us work like dogs. One of the junior managers was looking for this woman and the senior managers point blank lied to her about this woman's whereabouts when they all were in the back room. Needless to say that junior manager told all the issues too. 

After all these issues brewing for months several floor associates told about what everyone was doing in the store.  It is a minimum wage job. It has humbled me to work there and have my bosses and customers talk to me very disrespectfully.  I told the manager that I am really ready to move on because it is not worth the abuse.   She said she would speak to the store manager and they would resolve the issues.

 A week later the store manager made sure to come during my shift to talk to me.  She refers to me as one of her favorites.  She appaulogized for all the stuff that I was going through in her store.  She said she knows that I come do my job, I am respectful of everyone, customers call the store to say that i was helpful and pleasant, and the last thing she wants it me quiting because of how i get treated.  She explained that she has put all the people (from all the associates complaints) on a 45 day warning. Each manager will  rate one another at the end of the 45 days. And she will speak to all the associates individually as to if things have improved.  She said that when i am ready to move on it is because I want to and not because of bad situations.  She is super nice.  Ever since this things have been A LOT BETTER. But probably in October or early November I think i will be done. I am tired and don't want two jobs anymore. 

Although I have another job in counseling the terms are still working on getting children and billing on them.  I get a base pay for the 3 days I am in the school, but it still will take times to build clients.  One of my sorority sisters told me to apply for her job she is leaving soon to go home back to Philly.  She found out today she got her job.  Her boss wanted her to recommend friends who were qualified.  She said that she was telling others but knows that I am qualified and most likely would like her position.  She works at at a HBCU in Austin as a clinical director. The cool thing she is salaried, with benefits. I am not billing medicaid or major insurance. The services are part of the tuition of the students. She was able to get her supervision hours in for licensure.  Also she said for the most part it is not busy or overwhelming partially stemming from the stigma of counseling within minority communities.  She said she mostly conducted programming around mental health concerns for young adults such as You say you love me, but what does your love mean,  stigma around skin color and good hair,  what does it mean to be out of the closet in minority communities.  She attends college socials to let the students know who she is and be a substantial and trustworthy in their community.  I am like WOW this blends my love of student affairs and counseling.  Plus they pay to go back to school and UT Austin is right there. When interviewed at UT Austin in December two individuals wanted to help me go back to school. So if I get this job I def will contact them.   

Well, this note has gotten long.   I guess i will come back and write another one about my birthday plans, vacay plans (I got to burn at least 2 of my free round trips of  four of my benefits from my sister working at Southwest.), and my dating life (still not exciting, just confusing).  But I will come back later thanks for reading. Till next time